Two Hours From Tucson

Holiday Humor With My Boss

2006-12-12T21:41:00.000-07:00

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December 2006

_____________________________________________

From: Bill
To: Team
Subject: Reminder - Holiday Luncheon TODAY!

I have room for two more riders in my car.

_____________________________________________

From: Mike
To: Bill

Take me! Take me!

_____________________________________________

From: Bill
To: Mike

You got the last seat.

_____________________________________________

From: Mike
To: Bill

Do you charge more for the last seat?

_____________________________________________

From: Bill
To: Mike

No. It's actually not a seat. But the trunk is comfortable.

_____________________________________________

From: Mike
To: Bill

Ahh, the trunk. Such good memories....

_____________________________________________

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Old, OLD Halloween Humor.

2006-10-31T05:03:00.000-07:00

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My neighbor is a paleontologist and he invited me to his Halloween party tonight.

My costume is Dean Martin with a broken arm.

Yeah, I'm a deano soar.

Wait. Wait, come on back.

His wife sez he's a big phony. Seems he tells everyone he loves the Pleistocene era, but he really hates it.

Yeah, she can't stand the epoch-crisy...

thud.

Get off the floor, it's not that bad.

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Points to ponder... as my mind wanders

2006-07-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

Hot Dog!!! jokes created as you wait.
(Don't push. There's enough for everybody.)

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The Oscar Meyer company is holding auditions in Phoenix next week for their "Sing the Jingle" campaign. It's been a life-long dream of mine to sing in public and this is my big chance. I just know they'll relish my way of cooking with gas.

You know how I am. I'm not being a hot dog when I say I'm on a roll. It's just that deep down in my belly, I know I'm good enough to cut the mustard and, by Golly, those other contestants will hafta ketchup to ol' Big Red.

Heck, I'm so confident, I asked the judges to let me be the last singer. I figure by then, they woulda heard the wurst.

Yeah, I can just taste it. I've got wiener written all over me.

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Two kosher hot dogs were being made by a butcher.

One looks over at the other, "Hey! What's going on?".

"Not much. Just casing the joint."

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Aprende Disco - Disco Dance Learning Session

2006-05-30T22:31:00.000-07:00

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Disco as you've never seen it before... and I've been promised, we'll never see again.

People tell me all the time, Mike, you've got the moves of a master dancer. Well, that's true. I can't deny that. And there's no denying that this video has captured me in all my glory!

Disco Video from video.google

No, I'm not the instructor. That's Mr. Griswold and his wife on the dance floor laying down the truth for all to groove to. Yow! You go, Mr. Grizzie!

That's me on the left in the bright blue blazer dancing my heart out to that Bad Bulgarian beat while Mr. Griswold tells us (you included) how to Express Yourself through the Magic of DISCO! The floor is ALWAYS open for Amore! Dance, Everybody, Dance!

Is Mr. Griswold Bulgarian? I don't know, but the clothes and the old Adidas shoes say "I'm a Hipster, Mister!" So, lay down the funk and groove! Yeah!

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H2-Oh, Yes, Indeed!

2006-04-23T22:14:00.001-07:00

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As the Lowe's fella was telling me yesterday, if you live in Arizona long enough, you'll hafta repair your sprinkler system. That's true. That's all too true.

I've repaired my fair share of sprinkler heads, drip lines and flexible tubing to last a lifetime. For the past 25 years, it's become my field of interest. Oh, yes, it's what I dream about at night. It has so intoxicated me, that many years ago on a Sunday afternoon, I received advanced training from the School of OMG That Wasn't Supposed To Break. I'm very proud of that achievement. Sniff. Does someone have a Kleenex? How about your shirt? That's OK, it'll dry. Sure, just think about yourself.

So, when Cathy, my girlfriend, told me she had a little bit of trouble in the water line next to her garden, I quickly offered my well-known services to get the job done. By Sunday afternoon, my vast knowledge of sprinkler repair and semi-reliable practical experience were being put to use.

After the job was done, I noticed a BIG difference between repairing her sprinkler system and mine.

When I finish repairing my sprinkler system, I reward myself with a beer and well-deserved nap.

When I finish repairing Cathy's sprinkler system, I get a kiss and a hug.

I gotta find a way to break that sprinkler line again...

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Ads -They're Hot! Hot! Hot!

2006-04-20T23:17:00.000-07:00

Recliner Chair
Tan colored recliner chair in decent condition. Handle is missing, so must use tool (pliers, etc) to recline. Would be good for somebody who may have an older parent living with them. Only $15 if you come pick it up.
(Only the best for a dad with a bad back and arthritic hands. Ohh! Watch yourself there, Dad!)

Free Wood
Pine 2'x6' and 2'x 8', 12 to 16 feet long. Come and get'em!
(What? Hey! Where's my fence?!)

Patio Sliding Glass Doors
2 sliding glass doors, double pained. 3 years old.
(Doc, it hurts whenever I pull it open.)

DENALI
2000 Black Yukon Denali. 6"-8" RCD lift, dual flowmaster exhaust, airaid intake, hypertech pwr programmer, 17"x9" Helo Maxx 6, 315 70/17 BFG AT, heated leather seats, bose w/6 disc changer, billet grill. $18,000 obo.
(If only he knew this much about his girlfriend...)

Microtek Scanner
Flatbed scanner w/negative capability. $50 obo
(Are you positive? Sorry.)

Dinette
Oak table w/leaf. 4 cloth pastel fabric and oak chairs that swivel, tilt and roll. $100
(I was in a plane that did that once. Luckily for everyone on board, I gave the controls back to the pilot... Whoa! Hey, I'm here all week, folks. Remember to try the veal.)

T-Mobile Razr V3 cell phone
Silver T-mobile Razr phone. Is in good working condition with no scratches. Selling for $150.
(Musta been a good shave. OK! OK! I'll stop. I'll stop!)

What's In The Bag, Mike?

2006-03-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

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I pretty good at winning things. Over the years, I've won a multitude of restaurant gift cards and movie ticket packets, a flower arrangement (whatever), a facial (quickly given away), that metal tic-tac-toe objet d'art (which magically found its way into the trash), a PDA (which I sold) and various tchotchkes. Overall, that's not bad for entering drawings to my favorite charities.

Yesterday, my latest winning arrived at the office mailbox. This thing is huge! You may have heard of it. It's called a Sony CD/MP3 Walkman. Wow! I was all excited until I couldn't find a USB port to download songs from my flash drive.

Hey, just kidding. I'm a kidder. What can I say? How about, "Who decided this thing is a Prize?". It's like winning a 10-megabyte hard drive. Heart be still.

Maybe somebody wants it? I don't know. In the meantime, the Walkman is resting quietly on my desk, safely encased in its plastic birthing package. Without batteries, it can do no harm.

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Geeking at the Hobby Lobby (International)

2006-01-24T23:28:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless - Paula, Queen of the Vanpool, Thank you very much - is an arts and crafts artiste extraordinaire who appreciates a fine A & C store when she sees one. She holds one store in such high regard, it warrants a road trip with several girlfriends to another state. While some people may (and SHOULD!) question the mental stability of a person making this trip, I remind you that I've driven two hundred miles across the desert to catch AND *release* fish. Point well taken there, Mike. OK, then.

The name of this revered store is... Hobby Lobby. (Echo. Echo. Echo. Echo.)

I can appreciate the importance of a good A & C store. I've created pigeon barriers for my house using flower-arranging wire from Michael's. That and some manly (Manly, I Tell You!) wood moulding (Nay! Timber weighing thousands of pounds!) from Home Depot.

I tried to find something of interest at the Hobby Lobby website, but I still had some leftover pigeon-preventing wire from Michael's. Yet, way up in the right hand corner of their homepage, I found a link to Nirvana - which is in Ohio now. It is called Hobby Lobby International (No echoes this time. Nothing left in the budget.)

Hobby Lobby International is an alpha male site of geek proportions! Please join me and my band of fellow howler monkeys in screaming praise for this site. Refreshing, isn't it?

Their main toys are remote-controlled planes, gliders, helicopters and boats. Yes, that does warrant another hooting. On three. Yeah! Good hoot, everybody.

For those of us with vid needs, here's the joy:
electric planes/Ducted Fan and Jet Models
more airplanes/gliders/sailplanes/copters/boats

I'll be ordering their rubber band-powered planes. One is made for the open field and the other is a small ultra-light called the Firefly. It's pure slurp-and-burp, drool-inducing, geek-tweaked mind candy. "Firefly will circle in a 10 by 10 foot room for 45 seconds".

Now all I have to do is find a pet monkey. Then, we'll both be entertained.

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I just washed the walls. Cough and sit down on the plastic sheets.

2006-01-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

I went to an innocuous web site just now (uh-hmm, something abt Hollywood gossip), any-who, the company's proxy service displayed the following msg:

Access Denied (policy_denied)

A system policy has denied access to the requested URL. Reason: " Malicious Sites;Web Ads"

In a dirty, "don't eat that, the dog licked it", comforting way, I felt proud. It's nice being recognized.

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I hear Best Buy has a good selection of DVDs

2005-12-09T12:10:00.000-07:00

I received a UPS Express Envelope from SAS this afternoon. How odd when I don't use any SAS products. As I glanced over the insert, the BOLD type line of "Get a $25 gift card from Best Buy for taking a five minute survey" got my attention like a stripper making exact change from her g-string. (Don't get me wrong. I don't like to over tip.)

Oh, their pimp hand was strong. They knew what I needed deep down inside and what I would do to get it. They enticed me through my over inflated male ego. (What inhuman b@stards!) There it was. My name was incorporated into the online questionnaire's web address. Yes, yes, I'll do it, but... just this once.

My @ss does have a price and it's cheap. Oh, so cheap. I feel so dirty.

Those b@stards.

Ads - Can't Fight the Feeling

2005-07-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

Wanted Tent or Travel Trailer.
Nothing fancy or expensive. Husband needs to get away.
(Ummm, maybe truth in advertising? I don't know.)

Area Rug - 9 X 12
9 X 12 area rug - cream color design center with border that has plum-purple/lavender and green in it, very pretty rubber backing, 1.5 years old, $300 new - sell for $150 OBO, changed decor.
(Not just pretty, but Very Pretty.)

1964 Dodge Truck
T.L.C. $2,700
(N.F.W.)

Ab Scissor
Body by Jake AB Scissor like new! Barely used, just no more room...comes with unopened video, instructions, and info booklet. Retails for $250, but can be yours for $150. Call for email photo or more info.
(Unopened video? Hmm, maybe that's the reason it's being sold.)

go-cart
5.5 horsepower single seat. factory built. all black, with headlights. runs great. $400.00 or trade for guns.
(Finally, someone who thinks like me! Wait! Why not JOIN the go-cart AND the guns! Yes!)

Light fixture/fan
3-light chandelier with fan. Lovely scalloped edges on each bulb cover. Pictures available via e-mail. Changed dining room decor; no longer need. $35.
(I don't even want to imagine what this looks like.)

Stereo Receiver
Stereo receiver with dual cassette and speakers. $20.
(Dual Cassettes AND speakers?! It's mine, baby!)

Sofa
Tan Sectional purchased from Barrows Furniture in Scottsdale. Made very well. Will sell all sections or part of. Best offer.
(They've been trying to sell this Sofa Sectional for a year now!)

Pit Bull Puppies
6 pit bull puppies for $30 each. 6 weeks old. parents are tame & good watch dogs.
(Let me read this one again. I'm missing something here. Oh, yeah, there it is - tame pit bull. OK.)

1998 GEO Metro
Good transportation, new timing belt, clutch, and no oil leaks. AC does not blow cold air. Approximately 130k. Asking $800.00.
(Let's review a term here. When an AC doesn't work, it's called a heater.)

Discovered something odd this afternoon

2005-04-24T23:17:00.000-07:00

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Yes, I was wearing pants!

Jeez! It happens one time and that's all you remember!

1. Open a Firefox browser session.

2. Enter your phone number in the internet address using this format:

(480) 897-6116

3. Hit enter.

4. Firefox interprets the phone number as an internet web address.

5. Weirdness begins.

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Real Ads - The Sequel

2005-03-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

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Total room makeover!
Just purchased Cal-King Mattresses,need frame & headboard can be either wrought iron/wood.. going for an island theme need everything from faux plants to curtains to bed decor.. possible colors purple/yellows/greens George @ 602-xxx-xxxx
(George, two words for you. Stop. Fugly.)

Boat
Looking for small boat with running motor, not in need of repair. Don't care about the condition of the paint job or lack of one. Also trailer for the boat if available. Willing to pay 300 for both.
(This guy understands that fishing is about fishing and NOT the boat!)

Need Nanny
Im looking for a live at home nanny..olderly woman with no responsibilities...spanish speaking ok..pls leave message and we will discuss money issues and responsibilities..pls give my # if interested
(After laughing, remember, this person votes. grin.)

Couch
Blue couch for sale or trade. comfortable and used but still looks good, and great for napping. Willing to trade for lazy boy type recliner.
(Movin' on up... to the Eastside.)

Air Compressor
Husky upright air compressor - new - oil less - 32 gal. - moving, need to sell - $299.00
(It's ALIVE!!!)

1997 Honda Accord LX
4 dr, automatic 4 cylinder, 2.2 liter engine, a/c, am/fm/cassette, cruise control. In excellent condition. 63,500 miles. Kelly Blue Book price is $7,325. Asking $7,300. Call after 7pm.
(Wow! That's the kinda price break I've always dreamed of!)

1994 Chevy Beretta
V-6, automatic, 2 dr, pdl, pw. Body and paint in good condition. Runs, but needs some work. $650
(Does it like yard work? I have some trees that need trimming.)

2004 SE-R Spec-V
04 Nissan SE-R Spec-V Sentra. 35k miles. xlnt cond 180hp. 6-speed manual. stainless high perf exaust. 6 spkr premium sound sys w/amp. All stock,never modified. Silver ext. Black/grey int. sunroof. pwr everything. I owe $19k will take best offer over $16,000
(I wanna hear the story on this one...)

Leather Sofa
Teal Green Leather Sofa, Loveseat & Chair w/ottoman. Worn with leather patina, no tears & very strong. $250
(Strong, like bull! Wait a minute. Leather comes from a bull. I see the connection. Yeah. I'm ready for the SATs.)

Couch
Pure white imitation leather 3 piece couch, $250. Excellent condition.
(It wuz blue, but muh cats had a piddle contest with it on that day last week when it wuz raining real good, so I done bleached it clean fer you. Yur welcome.)

Clock Radio
Timex auto set dual alarm preset tuning clock radio. Shows the correct time & date when you first plug it in. Large clock display with brightness control. Never has been out of the box. $20
(Has it been outta the city yet?)

Cleaning
I am looking for help with my house cleaning. Only need specific items done, not a complete house cleaning project, but four to six hours of work. Call evenings or weekends to discuss my request as well as an hourly wage.
(Shouldn't this be listed in the OCD Whips and Chains Weekly?)

Brass Bed
Double, with comforter, shams, dust ruffle,$100. E-mail photos available.
(Um, what kinda photos are we talking about here?)

Cell Phone
Kyocera "slider" cell phone can be yours. Son exceeded minutes and phone needs to be sold to help bail him out. $125 OBO
(You can just hear that conversation...)

Small Animal Cage
Double-decker, two doors, ladder, water bottle, food dish. Roomy, homey, good set-up for ferrets, and similar exotic pets. $100.
(I think that teenage boy is looking for a place to stay. They are exotic, ya know.)

Bike/Eliptical
Pro Form-Rebel recumbent bike and eliptical crosstrainer. Only used a few times. $150.00
(I know it's an easy hit, but I just had to show it.)

1946 Willy
1946 Willy Jeep, Burgandy color. Wanting to trade for small older car, in $2,000 price range, preferably Nissan Sentra. Willy in great shape, runs great.
(I know it's an easy hit, but I just had to show it - Part Deux. Personally, I have a 1954 Willy... and no, I ain't trading.)

Coffee table
Older wood coffee table. Solid and sturdy. OK condition. $25 obo.
(Gee Willickers, I'm really excited about this table!)

Lineman Belt
New Bashlins climbing belt, floridian model size 22. Has pole strap and tool pouch. 150.00.
(Rule number 1: If ya need a pole strap, don't go climbing.)

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Realizing my good fortune... in bed.

2005-03-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

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It is impossible to please everybody. Please yourself first.
(If you insist, then I must.)

You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands on.
(Come here, Darling. Good Fortune is coming your way.)

You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
(Only if the photographs get published.)

You enjoy giving gifts of yourself to others.
(Yep, I sure do enjoy giving. I said giving, right?)

Your good nature will bring you much happiness.
(So if I'm bad, will I be ecstatic?)

You will soon discover how truly fortunate you really are.
(Yowza! You ain't kiddin'!)

Unexpected romantic and financial gifts surprise and delight you.
(A fellow can dream, can't he?)

Your luck will be changed today.
(I think it already has!)

You discover treasures where others see nothing unusual.
(Well, only under a CSI jizz light.)

A pleasant surprise is in store for you.
(For me? Why, thank you. And it's not even my birthday.)

People enjoy having you around.
(Preach on, Reverend! Preach on!)

You will be called to help a friend in trouble.
(And, what are friends for? Tote that barge. Lift that bale. I gets a little money and I lands in.. It's Gail, right? Mind stepping into the light, Ma'am?)

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Gizoogle - Them rims are Bombin'!

2005-02-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

Yo, yo, yo! It's Google for da Snoop Dogs of da world, Man!

Fo all you ... who wanna find shiznit.

Crank up the 808 in your Slade, Enter a Word and Chill.

Test Your Nerdiness

2005-02-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

It's official. I'm a mid-rank Nerd.

I feel all warm and cozy just thinking about it.

Real Ads - Featuring Items From Mr.Thomas Kincaid

2004-12-19T13:54:00.000-07:00

Thomas Kincaid Print. Cobblestone Village III.
Picture is framed and comes with a certificate of authinticity. (Spelling helps in the sale, Ma'am.) Number 20 of 2050. Beautiful picture to own or a nice Christmas present. Gallery price 454.00 , your price 325.00. (Cobblestone Village III? Is Mr. Kincaid painting subdivisions?)

The Miller's Cottage
Thomas Kinkade limited edition S/N paper print of The Miller's Cottage. No longer available on the market. Still in original mailing sleeve w/certificate. Retail value $535, asking $450.
(Nothing sez ART like a marked-down limited edition in the original packaging. Suh-weet!)

Bed / Jacket
Two twin beds, mattress, box spring, frame, used in guest room, excellent condition, $60.00. NASCAR jacket, suede, #88 Dale Jarrett, xl, excellent condition, $100.00
(The items were used in that famous porno, "A$$CAR Driver".)

Sofa/Tables
Sofa - Southwest $100. Oak Southwest kitchen table with four chairs - $175. Blue Sofa and Loveseat - $150. Set of three coffee tables - Southwest - $150.
(Wait, wait, wait, I'm beginning to see a theme here. Oh! I almost had it!)

Electric range
Electric stove/range,Gold in color...not sure how old, but it still works good, possibly 70's. (Wow!) Would prefer to donate to one of the adopt-a-families, but not necessary. FREE (I hope so...), if you come get it. Tempe - Can e-mail pics
(The good thing about a range is it lasts 30 years. The bad thing about a range...)

Barbie Dolls
Barbie dolls - various, still in boxes - various prices
(If they were moving in the box, I'd buy 'em.)

House for sale
Hard to find Mesa home for sale..3bd 2ba,liv room & den, FP, 1700 sq ft block home, minutes from 101/202/US60, pictures avail $175,000.
(Do I get a discount when I find it?)

Reliable Vehicle
1982 Mercury Grand Marquis, 4 Door, Maroon, 80,000 Miles, Lots of new parts, Good Condition. $700.00 OBO.
(You had me at Grand! Are the new parts installed?)

Automobile
97 Olds Achieva AC, Automatic,P/S, Cruise, pwr everything, 3.1 L engine runs great, clr white, tinted, good tires, ready to drive. Transmission may need some work, but can be driven. $700.00 OBO
(Gee, an Oldsmobile needing transmission work. First time I heard about that!)

Pavers
Looking for pavers for a backyard project.
(Oh, I thought you were looking for prayers. You're gonna need 'em for a backyard project.)

Nov 2003 Natl Geo
Looking for Nov. 2003 issue of National Geographic to purchase.
(It completes his topless native collection. Oo-ah!)

Solid Wood dark stained bedroom set:
headboard, dresser, chest, 2 night stands, $300 OBO.
(Stained with what?)

Goat
I have one blue-eyed, nigerian dwarf goat. $50.00 to a good home
(What's the color of the other eye?)

And It's Mine!

2004-10-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

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I won a raffle prize. It's a steel gray wall hanging.

Wall hanging? Steel gray? Am I expecting too much in wanting it to look decent?..

I don't know what it is, but it cost me $10.00 in tickets.
---
I picked it up this morning. To quote Marvin Gaye, "Mercy, Mercy me".

Shades of William Shatner, it's so damn... unusual and... eclectic. I've seen them in art galleries as bizarro objects. Now, I owns one.

It's four gray-silver pineapples about six inches long tac-welded onto a tic-tac-toe of 2-foot long iron bars. I'll wait while you catch your breath.

It's a$$ heavy. About fifteen pounds of static Saturday night blingage. Far too heavy for a normal club, it's worthy of a crunk dance floor doing dirty to Lil Jon & the Eastside Boys' Bounce Dat A$$.

I like Katy's response to my description: "It sounds kitschy. Isn't that supposed to be a good thing? After all, it's the best you can expect from a raffle prize pile." It was nice of her to not add steaming to her description.

I'm gonna paint the pineapples deep red and the iron bars black or dark green. I'll find some picture frames to fit within the grid and use it as a photo montage. Uh, right. LOL. It'll go nicely (grin) with the abstract art and Wright-style furniture. I just gotta find a wall with enough support. Jeez.

Now, on to bashful Lil Jon.

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Pop, pop, pop that thang girl
Pop that thang and roll with it
---

Uh! What can I say? Ima dancing fool.

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Yes, I Khan! Yes, I Khan! Yes, I Khan!

2004-08-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

Everybody sing!

"Khan doo, Khan doo, this guy says the horse Khan doo."

(My apologies to Mr. Frank Loesser's estate for my brazen and cheap (1), cheap (2), cheap (3), cheap (4) misuse of "Fugue for Tinhorns" from Guys and Dolls.) Did I mention cheap misuse? (I hope that assuages the litigators...)

Yeah, I'm a geek, but not Star Trek grade material. I ran into this hilarious piece of work at www.khaaan.com.

It's two picture stills which someone glommed from "The Wrath of Khan" Star Trek movie and made into a deeply moving (bowels, I believe) loop.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk is dramatically responding to a clever battle maneuver from evil eugenics genius Khan Noonian Singh. Kirk continues to scream "Khan!!!!" over and over again.

Oh, the horror... The horror... Wait, that's the wrong movie. The overwrought performance confused me.

If the subtleties of this Bill Clintonesque performance jiggles your nervous system like a handle on a broken toilet, then seek your truth here:
Star Trek Series
The One, The Only - Mr. "Jimmy Jam Man" Kirk (Gee, if only he could sing.)

After hypnotically watching this loop for several hours (Mmm, purty picture is nice), I realized I was thisclose from being an actor - just a Ricardo Montalbán arched eyebrow away from achieving my stardom!! Maybe, just maybe, even as close as his smile! Wait! Maybe his arched eyebrow and his smile. Yes, That's right! I am a Ricardo Montalbán arched eyebrow and smile away from my dream.

I am ready.. I will try it now. I am breathing. Breathing.

KHAN!!!!

Dammit.... I...... am...... an....... ACTOR!!!

Weekend Clothes

2004-07-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

July 2004

I'm a clothes horse when it comes to working in the yard. It's mandated by my HOA. They have sartorial resplendency rules. My interpretation is somewhat different than my neighbors.

My yard clothes are Home Depot Presentable - Super Grade. This presentation level grants me line-breaking privileges at Home Depot. Only a fella in the middle of a job that "needs to git done" can wear these clothes. I have these clothes. I am that man. Yes, you may touch me. Mmmmm. You're good... Oh, where wuz I? Oh, yes.

I'm proud of these clothes. I've taken WTF shirts and shorts and molecularly melded them into a unifying theme of WTF. It's an artform that many attempt, but few succeed. I'm still attempting. I've got the WTF part down pretty good now. Just listen... Wait. Wait. Just a little more. There. See, I told ya.

I'm partial to stained t-shirts from failed, long-forgotten internet companies. My shorts du jour are also my lucky Colorado River rafting shorts. These red, cheap-a$$, quick-drying buckaroos have been down the Colorado three times. The small, worn holes below my butt cheeks are a testament to the prehensile grip of well-toned gluts wanting to live through Lava Falls. Oh, these are special clothes for a special time.

As with any elegant ensemble, the accoutrements magnify and complete the theme. My dash of elan is a magnificent, paint-splattered, partially-rusted, Fisher-Price kindergarten chair. Its glory is my glory. How sweet life is when I peer down from its low post and hunt for chickweed.

When the weed harvest is complete and the tandem trucks are full and pulling away, I sit back in sweat-drenched underwear and admire my weed-free front yard. Ahh. Life can't get better.

Sometimes it does. A neighbor may stop by with her dog for a hour of fun. I'll rough house a bit, then rub an offered belly and scratch behind the ears. When that back leg gets going and an excited yip, yip, yip escapes from a drooling mouth, I know it's time to stop.

Her dog is nice, too.

Real Ads

2004-06-28T14:22:00.001-07:00

Whirlpool Refg.
Whirlpool refrigerator/freezer for sale. Good working condition. White, standard size & model. Please call Andrew at 480-xxx-xxxx.
(Andrew's inside the fridge waiting for your call. Call soon.)

1965 bug
1965 bug 1500cc primer grey, new headliner, new carpet, new glass and rubber, extra engine case and 1915cc parts $1500 obo. ask for Kory.
(Do you have lotsa extra time? Are you interested in a new hobby?)

1994 Chevy Truck
1/2 ton short bed. Runs great. A/C blows cold, V-6, automatic, 148k miles. $3200
(Does it blow better when it's hot? Just asking.)

Computer Stuff
Internal AND External Iomega Zip 100 Drives with 22 Zip 100 disks,$50.00 (Wow! Internal AND external!); Internal Yamaha 16-10-40 CD-R/CD-RW Drive,$30.00; Futura 17" Color Monitor, $30.00;Linksys 10/100 Ethernet Network Card, $5.00; Microtek ScanMaker X6 Scanner, $20.00
(R U sure you wanna sell this $hit?
I mean you definitely can't GIVE it away...)

Couch & Loveseat
Lane Recliner Sofa & Loveseat Soft & comfortable, Middle Tray pulls down with cup holders. (Is this a car or a chair?) Great Condition. $ 250.00 OBO Plus two wing back reclining chairs. $ 75.00 for both. All in new green colors....
(Suh-lurp! My taste buds are jez ready for redneck decor. And the green will look great on my front porch.)

Sofa Sectional
light colored with many pieces to it. Will sell separately, therefore individually priced. Purchased from Barrows on Camelback.
(Many pieces - as in disassembled or I can't count higher than two? I'm not interested, therefore and hitherto, you can keep it... Ma'am.)

Cement Mixer
hydroflow - low hours, 4 bagger. RUNS and WORKS GREAT! $1,800 OBO Call Justin
480-xxx-xxxx.
(Never heard a gentleman describe his ex-girlfriend in such a manner, BUT I'm game!)

Studing Douge
Have beautiful male Bourdeux dog, 14 months old ukc. ready to breed any questions just call.
480-xxx-xxxx
(Ready to breed. Hmm... Aren't we all?)

Rottie/Malamute Pup
Joey is a beautiful pup. He's a Rottie/Alaskan Malamute pup who needs a home. He is a little over 1 year, is housetrained, current on shots, well trained. Please call 602-xxx-xxxx
(Um, is he trained?)

Game Table
XI Sports 9 in 1 Game Table. Bought at Xmas, but never used paid $250, will sell for $150 OBO, great for young kids.
(Boy, your kids musta loved the table!!!)

Pontiac Firebird
engine excellent running condition. body overall good. few scrapes. interior well maintained. a/c fully reconditioned. new fuel pump. $4000 or OBO
Home phone 480-xxx-xxxx
(I dated her last year. Sorry. That wasn't nice.)

Chevy 4WD
1984 Chevy S-10; 4WD - very good condition, located in Tempe: Take a look and make offer.
Call 602-xxx-xxxx.
(Will you take a "special" offer? Let me show you how special it is...)

MOTORCYCLE
2003 ANNIVERSARY EDITION Harley Davidson Superglide, black beauty w/ low miles, many upgrades, perfect condition. Back to graduate school, will sacrifice for $17,000 Evenings: 480-xxx-xxxx
(Wanna bet he's not going to Business school...)

Ladies Adult Bike
Would like to buy a ladies bike at reasonable price. Preferably one that has handle bars that face upright and has wide tires. Please call Joan at 480-xxx-xxxx
(Is this an "Adult" ad? Is she asking for something I don't want to know about? Uh-Oh.)

Bar Ten Airstrip - My plane trip back to Marble Canyon, AZ

2004-06-19T17:23:00.000-07:00

July 2001

The faded, orange windsock looked like it always did. It was July and I was waiting on the small airstrip at the Bar Ten Ranch for the 90-minute plane trip back to Marble Canyon. Being a desert rat, I sat perfectly still atop my gear bag and waited for the breeze that never came.

I was heading back to civilization after a week long rafting trip down the Colorado. I had sat on this airstrip twice before following a 7-day trek and a glorious, 14-day what-day-is-this trek.

The large, pressurized and air-conditioned plane had left an hour ago. It'd be at the Marble Canyon airstrip by now. I had a seat on that bird, but gave it to someone else. The fine line between chivalry and stupidity was crossed an hour ago. The sweat pooling in my shorts proved it.

I was returning in a non-air conditioned sardine can with a student pilot, a certified pilot and three fellow river compatriots. As we boarded, the other passengers were concerned about which seat offered the better view. I made sure my window would open. The pilots gave me a knowing look and I smiled. We knew "it" was coming and I had the honor of a ringside seat.

As we waited for take-off, the four functioning windows (out of six) were wide open. This brought the combination of tarmac heat, aviation fuel and hydraulic fluids directly into the hot, sticky cabin interior where it swirled with the smells of river rot and fear.

I quickly played a short game of "what is that f***ing smell?" to desensitize myself. I came close, but I didn't see my lunch of bread, crackers and ketchup. That gob of spackle stayed where it belonged.

Two of the passengers had never flown in a small plane. They enjoyed the vistas from their carefully chosen seats for thirty minutes until "it" came for them. Within minutes, they stopped talking. This was not a good sign.

To compound their situation, they had closed their windows during the flight. It stopped the flow of engine smells, but it also stopped air from moving around them. In fear mode, their brains focused on the thing that now intensified their fear – gag-producing smells.

They suffered and slowly lost all color in their faces. I remember tasting my "safe small plane ride meal" a few times when I saw the guys swallow small yerks (upchucks). After those episodes I had to focus on the terrain below. Gee, that's an interesting tree. And, there's another one. Clever how they’re all together like that.

The guys made the trip worse for everyone else by breathing through their mouths. It was sweet and sickly. I knew the gods were coming close to ending civilization as I enjoyed it, so I glued my head against the open window and freely promised my soul to any and all divinities.

My green travel companions stayed intact even when we encountered some "slight" turbulence, causing the light plane to suddenly dip a few times. For the next twenty minutes of intermittent drops, I wondered when they would make the cabin look and smell like a coupla chickens exploded in a $hithouse.

Finally, we landed. As we prepared to leave the aircraft, I remembered the two things a man's gotta do on his own and with the least amount of fanfare. Taking a healthy dump was one of them. This was going to be the other one.

The two guys exited the plane, walked to the runway's edge, knelt down and spewed their stomach lining onto the hot desert rocks.

They had a nice rhythm going when we passed them. We didn't bother shaking their hands. They were kinda busy anyway.

The Grand Canyon Bar Ten Airstrip is located in Whitmore, Arizona, USA.

You'll get a chuckle when reading the "Additional Remarks" at the bottom of the airport's web page. It's true.

---

You call that a warning? I'm Southern, for God's Sake!

2004-05-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

December 2002

I discovered why my bedroom smoke alarm went off early Thursday morning. The seven smoke alarms are wired with 110-volt wiring - just like a normal wall socket. As a safety precaution, a 9-volt battery is used as a back-up. The batteries were a mixture of no-name, cheap-a** batteries. (I changed them all with EverReadys... bought with coupons. What'd you expect?)

Why did the warning beeps occur in the morning? I'm looking for a cause and effect here, people. Bueller? Bueller? Bueller's not here, Mr. Foretich. He got sick or something. Very well. Thank you. Then, I'll answer it. Take notes. This WILL be on the test. When the early morning cold reached its zenith - the cause, the battery began to lose its charge and beeped a replacement call - the effect.

Did I mention the 110-volt charge. Yes, I did. Well, I didn't realize it was 110-volt. All I wanted to do at 3:00 a.m. was stop the noise. My early morning, Good Ol' Boy Brain told me two things: don't fall off that g**dam ten-foot tall ladder and the electrical charge is probably runnin' at 6 volts. GOBB sez, "Those sparks are nothing more than sissy spit, but be careful just the same" I replied, "Thanks, GOBB".

On Saturday morning, I sat down with my cup of brain power to pop open my disconnected smoke alarm. I FINALLY read the affixed warning. That can't be right. 110 volt? Hey, GOBB! What'd you say it was 6 volts. It says 110 volts right here?

"Hell, Man. You know I can't read."

When Slate Tables Attack! On Fox at 10:00 tonight!!!

2004-05-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

February 2003

How can I put this in a manner without sounding demented? I can't. So, I'll sound like a redneck. There I was, just sitting there, minding my own business when...

I raised my left foot from below the slate table top and hit the edge. I heard a click from the toe next to my little piggy toe (it's so cute!). Damn, that hurt.

I remember that click from my martial arts days in college. Boy, those were stupid days.

I wonder if I broke it? I looked around for a second opinion and luckily, for me, I was in.

I knew all about first aid. Nothing to worry about there, compadre. I got that covered. I popped open a cold compress and settled in for a consultation with myself.

I figured if it clicked in one direction, it oughta click in the opposite direction. This way it's a clean break and it'll heal faster. Makes sense, right? I don't know. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the first guy's opinion. I put the pliers back in the toolbox.

Dating - Moi Style

2004-05-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

Dating has always been and always will be considered dating. You can’t get away from that fact, regardless of your religious views. There, I’ve said it. Whew!

My dating style is as simple as me. Some people would say simple-minded, but that would be bragging and that’s not what I’m all about.

I’m all about communicating with my ladies. I’m on their wavelength and they can feel it. I don’t play games. I’m honest in my feelings and they know it, especially in the chat rooms.

My ladies know I’m not into fancy things or shoes (belts, maybe, they’re kinda handy for pants). And, I’m not into exchanging clothes with them. I tried it once. I don’t look good in heels. And, I have problem thighs. And, red. Red is not my color. I do look good in black, though...

I limit my dating. I only rock on Saturday night. I take all day preparing for my night time activities. By 4 P.M., I’m ready for a dinner for two at Olive Garden. I put away my sign, wave goodbye to the donating drivers by the Ray Road exit on the South 101 and leap into my truck. For all of those who gave, bless you.

I drive over to the Harkins Chandler Fashion Center movie theatres and stand out front. Shaking a sock full of change and handful of green, I holler, "Olive Garden. Right here!" In a coupla minutes, a sweet-looking lady walks up with $60 and whispers, "Beer and Gas money, right here, baby!".

It's a way of living I dearly love and a fairly lucrative one at that.

Cheapskate Etiquette for Moi - Man On The Go

2004-05-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

Would I look cheap if I took my date to a restaurant and used gift certificates?

Nope, not according to Cheapskate Rules International. An excellent ruling book for the cheapskate on the go and in the know with the ladies. Oh, yeah. I can dig it.

The answer is found in my favorite chapter - “Gift Certificates, Why Not?". I’m not cheap if I pay the bill with gift certificates. I’m cheap if I pay for only MY half of the bill with a gift certificate.

Explaining Men to My Daughter

2004-05-18T13:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Katy,

A man has a genetic liability in attempting to use charm in the early stages of courtship. Charm requires guile and that requires a higher order of cognition. He doesn't have the latter, because he's reacting to his natural instincts. Here's how it happens.

When a man is interested in a woman, a small portion of his cranial blood is sanctioned for use by his little brain. This allows a man to get primal. He needs to ready his body for the hunt. Not to the point of dragging his knuckles on the ground as he walks, belching to the rhythm of a favorite Broadway show tune and eating out of a peanut butter jar with a spoon (wait a minute, that's me in the mirror!), but to a safe point of smiling, grunting, pointing to his love interest and buying her a beer. Hopefully, he does it in that order. We can only hope.

That small amount of blood was being used by the civilized manners, behavior and speech (CMBS) section of the brain. It's pronounced Cee Muh BS. Yes, that small amount of purity is the only thing that separates a normal man from being a complete horn dog. I mean, being a primate... Being primal. (Don't ape me. She's the gorilla my dreams. OK, that's really bad.)

This is why the little brain is never allocated any extra blood when a man is doing math or logic problems. Thus, a man can sign contracts knowing he has full use of his faculties. However, this doesn't apply to buying sports cars, power tools, computers, garage stuff, fishing gear and needed huntin' equipment.

So, a man is in a perpetual state of anxiousness in satisfying either his Ying or his Yang. (Both of his girlfriends are Chinese?). Fortunately, this priapic preoccupation changes as he grows older. With age comes wisdom, arthritis, lower car insurance premiums and the recognition that it's better to have you than to buy a lot of stuff.

This is powerful knowledge, so use it only for good.

Love, Dad

Yes, I am Uber-Cool.

2004-05-18T13:41:00.000-07:00

It goes with the territory of being, well, ... me.

Needless to say, I am well known by the ladies. I’ve caught quite a few gals staring my way.

First, they don't notice me, but once they do, everything changes. And fast!

They get real excited. Their eyes grow big. They point at me.

Then, they start shouting at me and closing their blinds. I just move on to another window in my neighborhood.

I take Block Watch very seriously.

Is You Big Sid? - Taking a Turn at Writing a Blues Song

2004-05-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

Is you Big Sid?

I woke up late this morning,
feeling all shaky and green,
rememberin' somethin' about last evening,
while dreaming of morning caffeine.

Looked around my bed and noticed,
a smiling woman looking up at me,
gazed down into her smoky eyes, uh-huh,
and into her morning I eased. yes, indeed.

She whispered something to me,
her warm fingers touching my lips,
Is your name Big Sid, Baby?
as she rolled herself onto my hips.

I met her eyes 'n kissed her softly
With a smile, I answered her quiz,
I don't know about last night, Baby,
But this morning I surely is!

Getting to Know My Safeway Cashier

2004-05-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

I do most of my food shopping at Safeway on the corner. It's fast and the people know me. I'm kidding. They want "each and every one" of their customers to feel like it's our store, so they say "Thank you, Mr. Fo-, uh, um, re-tich? Did I say your name right?" after they process my customer card. I figured they were interested in me personally, so the following happened last weekend.

Hey, Ms. Cashier Shift two, I feel right cozy with you now. You know who I am. And, now I know who you are, my dear Shivtu. We are both Russian, Yes? Foretich and Shivtu. Yes, I know I am right. Wink, Wink. Come closer. Ah, then I will.

I like how you are coming on to me right now. Wanting to say my name in that alluring manner. Not caring about the others or my chicken. (He is my pet and the leash is strong. Don't mind him.) The way your eyebrows shoot up at just the mere mention of my last name. Are you envisioning a night with me by the big bonfire at the river bottom? Hmm? I can see it in your eyes.

The way you pronounced my name in a hesitating manner makes me feel comfortable and shiny inside. No, wait. That's the floor wax I drank on aisle six. It's your store brand. It's smooth. If you want to smell like Spring Time, then kiss me, you babbling brook of mountain trout! The river bottom and your small beady eyes beckon me. More kisses, my gypsy woman!

Oooo, I hope you are not like the others and only want me for my chicken! Be still my heart. Only time and a basket of morning eggs will tell my future. Until next week's sale, I bid you adieu.

Handcuffs are not necessary, I assure you, officer. She is my Gypsy Woman from check out lane number three.

Don't step on my chicken. Yes, he needs the leash.