Explaining Men to My Daughter

Dear Katy,

A man has a genetic liability in attempting to use charm in the early stages of courtship. Charm requires guile and that requires a higher order of cognition. He doesn't have the latter, because he's reacting to his natural instincts. Here's how it happens.

When a man is interested in a woman, a small portion of his cranial blood is sanctioned for use by his little brain. This allows a man to get primal. He needs to ready his body for the hunt. Not to the point of dragging his knuckles on the ground as he walks, belching to the rhythm of a favorite Broadway show tune and eating out of a peanut butter jar with a spoon (wait a minute, that's me in the mirror!), but to a safe point of smiling, grunting, pointing to his love interest and buying her a beer. Hopefully, he does it in that order. We can only hope.

That small amount of blood was being used by the civilized manners, behavior and speech (CMBS) section of the brain. It's pronounced Cee Muh BS. Yes, that small amount of purity is the only thing that separates a normal man from being a complete horn dog. I mean, being a primate... Being primal. (Don't ape me. She's the gorilla my dreams. OK, that's really bad.)

This is why the little brain is never allocated any extra blood when a man is doing math or logic problems. Thus, a man can sign contracts knowing he has full use of his faculties. However, this doesn't apply to buying sports cars, power tools, computers, garage stuff, fishing gear and needed huntin' equipment.

So, a man is in a perpetual state of anxiousness in satisfying either his Ying or his Yang. (Both of his girlfriends are Chinese?). Fortunately, this priapic preoccupation changes as he grows older. With age comes wisdom, arthritis, lower car insurance premiums and the recognition that it's better to have you than to buy a lot of stuff.

This is powerful knowledge, so use it only for good.

Love, Dad